This is not something that I would normally post for the world to see, but I think it is about time to get serious and talk about it. I am currently doing research and Powerpoint slides for a presentation in my Communication Age class on the topic of eating disorders. While reading an article on this website (http://www.lsu.edu/faculty/jwither/Essays/Health/Anonymous1_Essay.html) by anonymous, I believe that I just had a really scary reality check. I will be the first to tell you that I have THEE WORST body image and self esteem in the world. I am not LARGE by any means, but of course I do not look like the airbrushed/Photoshopped actresses and models that I wish that I could look like. I am never happy with myself and I am so self conscious of my stomach that it is unreal, yet I clearly do nothing about it but eat chocolate, so I have no room to complain.
This article says this, "The same research showed the symptoms of anorexia nervosa as being: refusal to maintain normal body weight, intense fear of gaining weight even when underweight, distorted body image, and three consecutive missed menstrual periods without pregnancy." I read it and immediately thought of myself in high school. Let me show you two photos of me in high school before I go on with this.
I have never really told anyone this (so now I will tell the whole zero people who read my blog), but after 9th grade dance, a few people and myself had went to a place called Valley Dairy to get milkshakes. While we were there, one of the people that I was with had, as a joke, drawn a little round person on a napkin (what immature people that I used to hang out with huh?) and made an arrow pointing to this round person that said 'Arielle' above it. That sounds really really stupid now that I am saying it out loud, but I definitely took it to heart at the time. I took that as a hint that they thought that I was fat. Just a side note to anyone and everyone, do not tell a girl that she is fat, unless she 110% knows that you are kidding (even then it shouldn't be said). Even if she clearly is not "fat" (because I know for a fact that I wasn't) she may not feel this way.
Until just a few moments ago I did not think that I have ever had an "eating disorder" because I had always thought that those were only A: starving yourself, or B: throwing up after eating. And I have never in my life done either of those things.
The bad news is that by the time I got to tenth grade, I looked like I do in these two photos posted above. I was 5'3 and barely pushing 100lbs. I remember working out multiple times a day. The more that I would eat, the more that I would workout. I was in drumline, marching and carrying a heavy drum frequently at practices, football games, and parades, in track, and working out on my own. I remember eating a TON, like bowls and bowls, of breakfast cereal for breakfast, then only taking a baggy full of almonds and an apple for lunch, then I would go home and eat leftovers for dinner after school and then immediately walk on the treadmill for an hour, watching Oprah, to burn it off, instead of eating dinner with my family. Another thing that I did was not eat ANY junk food for an entire year (and if you know me you know that i love my junk food). After that, I would try not to eat much before I went to bed. I had to go to the doctor and get put on "The Pill" when I was fifteen years old because my period stopped after I had lost a decent amount of weight. To add to this, once I started taking the pill I began to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks which is a whole different ball game that we will not get into right now. I now sadly have no womanly chest, most likely because I messed with my growing body during my adolescent/ teen puberty years. Instead, I can actually still fit into little kid bras from the kid section (not cool may I add).
The saddest thing is that during this entire time of being so skinny (and shall I say, gross looking), I thought that I was fat. I do not remember a time in my entire life where I have looked in the mirror and thought to myself, wow, I am skinny".
To end this story, I will say that I cannot believe that it has taken me five years to realize this about myself, but I am happy to say that I no longer have these habits and that I am now a healthy weight for my height and age. It scares me that I am still so worried about being fat to this day. I guess and hope that it will just take time to get over that.
My hope in sharing this story is that at least one girl or boy out there somewhere will read what I have said and done and change their mind about hurting their body. The people on the magazine covers are Photoshopped, the movie stars have personal trainers, and You- you are beautiful just the way you are. Remember, you are alive and healthy so be thankful for that and do not risk harming yourself and taking up unhealthy habits just to be super skinny.
-Arielle
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